Saturday, August 13, 2011

A Lot of Questions and A Couple Answers

This weekend I was supposed to go to a weekend class, but in between commuting to work and going to weekend classes I'm tired. I don't regret my decision to take the day of and relax. I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love and reading the Bible. As a result, I'm in a very contemplative mood. I got out a piece of paper and began writing some questions that I've had floating around my head. Questions like "Who am I and who do I want to be?" and "Who is God and who does He want me to be?" or "How can I most glorify God during my time on this earth?"

I turned to Psalms 51 and began reading a scripture written by David. I love David, we've got so much in common. I too have been a king being chased by the other king who wants to kill me. Okay, so maybe all we have in common is God and general humanness. Either way this scripture hit me.
"Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom,
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice."
Psalm 51:6-8

God has definitely broken my bones in my lifetime. Let's be honest here. If you know me, you know I am not happy go lucky. I have a tendency towards being overly thoughtful and a fighter. I wrestle with thoughts about life and think big thoughts. To me the world isn't black and white. And yes, the girl who grew up with a wonderful family who gave her everything she could ever need leans towards depressed most of the time.

Recently God has broken my bones by taking away hope that I had. It was hope in the wrong thing. I was hoping that I would get a boyfriend soon. After twenty-four stinking years I was actually going to get it right. But then, the guy dropped off the face of the planet. I should have expected it by now. This isn't the first time to have this happen and this is exactly why I guard myself so much. This was my desperate attempt to get what I have hoped for so long. I've always wanted a family. But God has different plans for me and right now that plan involves being alone with Him. My God is jealous and rightly so. He uses difficult times and breaking of my security to lead me towards Him. In Him I can find my joy, my strength. He's all I need in life. Do I want more? YES! But I need to remember that my life is His. So here I am before You God, broken and desperate. My life is yours.

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