Starting Over

Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown. In the Lowe's parking lot. I became frustrated with how little I've accomplished in the two years I've been graduated from college. I saw all of my fears and failures set out in front of me. I bawled my eyes out.

When I was finished sobbing I reached down in the cup holder and saw a quarter with Helen Keller on it. I suddenly realized that sobbing over my bad decisions wasn't worth it. If a blind and deaf woman can make something out of her life, so can I.

I have everything I need: a loving family, a place to live, and a job. Plus I have a few bonuses like being able to hear and see. I need to be way more grateful.

So, let's start this over. Yesterday, in the Lowe's parking lot, I decided to make some changes to the way I'm living my life. I'm going to find what I don't like in my life and work to change it. I'm throwing away regret and moving forward.

Plans B-Z

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
-Walt Disney

Please excuse the absenteeism in between posts. Things at work have been really busy and as a result, I've been really tired. Expect more posts this week.

I've changed my mind. Again. This Saturday I was supposed to move, I didn't. At the very last moment my parents offered me the choice of living with them while I get my master's degree. I decided to take it.

For me getting a master's degree seems like a good decision. I'm hoping to get my master's in HR. I want to be involved in training, which is something I really love.

I'm also making some life changes like I mentioned in my previous post. For one, I'm going to try a spinning class tomorrow morning. I hope it isn't as hard as I've heard it to be. I'll never know until I try. I'm also going to try yoga again. We'll see, I'm really bad about sitting still.

I'm hoping to find a new place to volunteer. I've become pretty selfish lately and I want to gain some perspective on just how blessed I am. Even if sometimes I feel like I have bad karma.

I've started taking some supplements that Dr. Oz suggest for depression relief. I'm not severely depressed at all, I just the blues a little too frequently. I also tend to get really anxious about things. I try to hide it but if you know me well, you've seen it in action.

(Is it weird that I am in love with Dr. Oz? I think he just has a charismatic personality.)

Change needs to happen in my life. I want to make new friends and try new things. If I have time, I even want to take a French class. I'll let you know how it goes.

My Lunch Breaks

I like to spend my lunch breaks outside when the weather permits it. Being inside all day can get really boring! Fortunately, there's a large park not too far from where I work. I bring my lunch and sit at a picnic table right by the creek where I like to people and nature watch. Sometimes I also bring my camera along to practice my photography skills.
These trees are just plain gorgeous. I love the smoothness of their bark and the color of their leaves. We don't get a lot of color in our leaves down here in South Texas. On the other hand we've also been having a lot of clear, blue skies since we're in the middle of a drought. That's not something we typically get this time of year.

This tree had already shed the majority of its bark.

If I get tired of playing with my camera I walk around. While I'm walking I like to stop and look at these large sculptures in the park. You can call this number on the sign, give it the code to the corresponding sculpture and listen to the artist talk about it! How awesome is that.

It's not often that I get bored on my lunch breaks. What do you like to do on your lunch breaks?

Where's My Charger?

I have a cellphone charge (that I forget every time I travel), a laptop charger, a camera charger, and I even keep jumper cables in my trunk just in case my car battery needs to be recharged. But today I was wondering, where's my charger? I really need one right about now.

You see, I'm tired. I haven't slept the past two nights. Even if I had before then I've just been tired. Sometimes I'm like the energizer bunny and I just keep going and going and going... but then sometimes I stop and do nothing productive whatsoever. I'm still tired then too.

What does a girl have to do to get some genuine rest? I feel like sometimes I loose my personal charger too. You see God recharges me, but when life gets hectic I stop spending time with God and pick up a cup of coffee thinking that's what I really need. Or maybe when I have some downtime I stop to watch a TV show thinking this will give me rest. But it doesn't and neither does coffee.

He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Psalm 23:3

Really I need to be running towards God when my life gets hectic or when I get tired. God restores my soul and provides rest. For further reading on this subject I found this. Hopefully I will get a better night's sleep tonight.

If I Had Known

I wish I were perfect and could say I never made mistakes. But I do, frequently. I think without speaking or I act without thinking through the consequences. Sin makes life complicated, but Satan often makes God look complex.
You have to give Him your whole life, everyday? That sounds hard. You can't always be perfect. Why do I believe Satan?
Yes living for God is no walk in the park. I have to fight with myself often. I have to decide what I really want and where I want to go.
But God is so good and so worthy. He doesn't leave me with that feeling of regret or disgust. Satan always gives you that after you do whatever he convinced you to do. Jesus offers freedom, Satan just tries to make it look like bondage. I don't want to be a slave to sin.

Joshua 24: 15
And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

Matthew 6:24

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

Both of those passages make it clear that I must choose who I want to serve. Who do I want to serve? The one who steals, kills, and destroys? Or the one who selflessly gave His life for me?

John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I want to serve God. He truly is the only one worthy of all of my days. I know it's not easy, but I want to live my life for God. I want to truly seek God and for Him to be my heart' s one true desire.He's not going to make my life perfect or easy. But I know I will never be alone.

So Many Things

There are so many things I could tell you about right now. Unfortunately, there are so many things still being processed in my heart. That's why I haven't written in awhile.
Lately God has sent a few difficult people my way. I guess He's trying to teach me how to deal with them. I've been both passive aggressive and aggressive, but I'm still plain trying to figure out how God wants me to react. I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve revenge. He's let it be known he takes care of that.
I've also been trying to figure out the whole money thing. I struggle with hoarding money. I may know in my head it's God's money, but I sure don't act like it. I want to build my kingdom. I definitely have a desire to get rich. I read investing books, I want to make it big.
But success doesn't equal being rich, or knowing exactly how to tell of that particularly annoying person. It doesn't involve being married to Ken or having two kids named Jack and Janie and living in a million dollar home. Success doesn't come when I have everyone tell me that I look cute today and that I have the best ideas and I am right all the time.
That's not me. Or at least it shouldn't be me. Well then who the heck am I? I'm not going to be successful when I look like someone else. I need to glorify God how He created me to glorify Him.

What does that mean? I don't know exactly. All I know is that I need to live my life for Him. Not for me, not for my family, and not for my friends.

Inside Out

Today God taught me a lesson. I guess you could say He reminded me of something I already knew. What I put into my spirit has to come out eventually.

It's just like my physical body. If I eat healthy food and exercise, my body is most likely going to run well. But if I eat junk food and lay around my body will eventually begin to malfunction.

I can't watch hours and hours of TV and not learn. I'm absorbing what I'm watching. I'm told how to behave or how to dress. I'm taught what's cool and what's acceptable.

It's going somewhere. It's clogging up my spirit. Why do I think it's okay?

"If we don't deal with our own souls we'll turn moments of ministry into moments of anger."
-Paul Tripp

How many times have I done that with teaching? My students test me and I don't pass the test. I get angry.

I've got to teach/remind my soul of how it really ought to be! I've got to continually fight my sin nature. The world is constantly trying to tell me that it knows best. Why do I believe it?

Talking about a wise man:

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
Psalm 1:2

And then in the book of Joshua we are told how to be successful. Not the way the world thinks of success, but success in God's eyes. Really He's the only one who matters.

This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.
Joshua 1:8

The word of God can also tell us what we should do. It can guide us. It is our help and our how-to manual on life.

Your testimonies also are my delight
And my counselors.
Psalm 119:24

Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105

I want to follow and use this word as my guide all the days of my life. I don't want to waste my life filling my soul with junk. As it says in one of my favorite hymns:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my hear, Lord, take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.

This is so often my prayer. Since I know that what goes inside eventually comes out, may I only chose that which helps bind my heart to God.

I have decided.

I am blogging about this in order to make this official. After much praying, fretting, making my mind up and then unmaking it, I finally have a decision. This is my final decision, which is hard for me to say but all-together necessary.

I have decided to throw caution to the wind and get my real estate license. To those who know me well, this is no surprise. I have loved real estate for years and it is my passion. For a long time I have tried to go with what's in demand or practical. It hasn't worked.

So this afternoon I finally began in studying using an online course my dad purchased for me over a year ago. I have been using it for over a year, but today I have made a lot of progress. So here we go.

I am going to trust God for so many things. Mainly, I want to lean on God and really store my treasures in heaven. I am learning and I have so far to go. I know God can use me doing this, I'm just not sure how yet. Lord willing, in September I will embark on a new journey.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Psalm 9:10 NKJV

Right Now

What am I doing to enjoy my life right now? I feel like I haven't been choosing to enjoy my life as it comes and goes. Yes, I am content right now. I still feel that I need to be seizing my days. Here's what I am doing right now.

I'm trying to start a dinner club with some friends. I want to meet once a month and have dinner together at someones house. We can play a game or talk.

I'm also trying to plan an out-of-country trip. When I was in Mexico I was afraid to travel because it was just me. I want to go somewhere and genuinely travel.

I am growing sunflowers and watermelons (my mom grows most of the stuff in our garden). I'm also about to plant roses. I am trying to get better about participating in the gardening because I love the idea of having a farm one day.

I bought a hammock because I wanted one. It's sitting in a shaded area in the backyard. My lab tried to join me in the hammock.

I am trying to find a job involving something I am passionate about. I don't want to just find any job, I want to love what I do.

I am finally going to write that letter into the paper. I always say I am going to and I never do. I have so much to say I should probably save time and print my own paper.

I am doing the from couch to 5k program. I am going to stick with it and run a 5k. I have tried it before, but I quit. This time I am going to do it!

I want to make life happen now.

Ms. Plan Her Entire Life

I love planning. You could say I get a little too much into it. You see I used to worry so much about everything. My dad's the same way and my grandmother is as well.

My grandmother was talking to me about her worry habits the other day. She told me she had decided to quit a while back because her family was so large there's no way she could keep up with all of us. She's right. We're humans with finite brains and limitations.

Praise God I know someone who is infinite. You see God doesn't have trouble keeping up and He doesn't have to worry. He's the Alpha and Omega. He was there when I was created and will be there when I breathe my last breath. He's had it all planned from the beginning of time. So why the heck am I bothering to worry?

In Francis Chan's book Crazy Love (read it now!), Francis defines worrying in a new way that helped me understand my sin in worrying.

Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what is happening in our lives.

When I worry I am being ridiculous enough to say that God doesn't know what's going on, doesn't have the power to change my circumstances or just plain doesn't care. Yet I know deep down inside that's not true! The God of the universe loves me infinitely and can do anything. What an amazing love He has for me! He knew about all of my moments of questioning, suffering, and confusion from the beginning of time and He uses these moments to shape me. He knew I would be me and I would royally mess up frequently.

Since He loves me so, I have no need to worry. When man intends something for evil God can turn it around. When I wander He's waiting for me to come back home. He throws my sin as far as the east is from the west. Praise God!

So I quit. I quit worrying. I'm not going to do it. God is in control.

And for once:


I am enjoying being single.
I am going to put aside my "career."
I am going to follow God.
I am enjoying today for today.

Inside My Head

I am going to have to tell you now: this is not a very safe place to be. Inside my head everything is all over the place and to be honest I have no clue where I'm going. But I can tell you, I am going somewhere great.

Since the last time I've blogged I've had so many changes in my life. I finally decided to not renew my contract at my current job. Teaching just isn't my passion unfortunately. I love watching my students mature both spiritually and emotionally. I love the language I teach. I love the school I teach at. The problem is it just doesn't light me up and in my opinion students don't need a burnt out teacher.

Once again this leads me to a new place and I don't like new. If God could just hand me the agenda for the next X years, I would LOVE it. I hate surprises, uncertainty, and the unknown. To be perfectly honest I hate having to have faith. I want to be able to rely on myself and no one else. So I guess that it's good that God has brought me to this place.

This summer I'm going to be homeschooling my cousin. After that? I'm heading off into uncharted territory. I'm looking into getting a second bachelors or a masters, starting my own business, and becoming a hippie.

I'm trying to follow my passion because the first time I went with what I thought would get me a job. What are my passions? Eating, taking care of the environment, music, taking pictures, beautiful things, beautiful places, family, children, justice, and thinking. Do you see what my problem is?

I need to find something. Here's the list of all of the careers I've ever considered:
pediatrician, economist, farmer (yep.), nurse, teacher, realtor, HR, civil engineer, politician, art curator, lawyer, mom, midwife, writer, accountant, PA, interior design, architect, and many more I can't currently remember.

I always prayed "God what do you want me to do?" until one day my friend said essentially that I needed to do what I was passionate about and serve God there. It's much easier to say I'm waiting on direction from God than to have to decide on my own. I think that sometimes I use that as an excuse for inaction.

I've taken countless career tests, but still I can't decide. I've made spreadsheets and given each point for consideration a value. Yet I'm still stuck.

I'm going to make a decision and stick with it! For once and for all, today I will decide and stick with it.

Lukewarm Christianity

I have so many thoughts floating around my head these days. Honestly I have more questions than I do answers. Right now I am trying to figure out what my next step in life is. What is it that God wants to use me for? In all honesty I feel like there is a battle going on inside of me. One side is calling me to live for myself and the other is calling me to live for Christ. I struggle so much with this.
I want to be the typical Christian most days. The kind of Christian who goes to church, doesn't cuss, and tries to be better than everyone else. The kind who makes sure they're obeying God on the outside. The kind who says You God can have my Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, but the rest is mine. Please don't embarrass me in front of my friends, coworkers or family. And my back account? That is completely off limits. You see, God I need that money. What if my car breaks down?

Selfishness. I struggle with that and so does the American church. We want to be comfortable and look out for our own interests. We want to ignore the fact that one day we will be accountable to the most Holy God.

I don't want any of that. I want to stop!! I want Paul's perspective when he says "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1: 12. I want to fight the American dream. I want to live my life well. I only have one life and it's going to pass quickly. I want to use it for something that matters. I don't want to care about money or myself. I want to follow Christ. I want to trust Christ.

The only way to live my life for something that matters is to submit my life to Christ. You see my God is greater than any other gods. He is eternal, He has always existed and will never cease to exist. He is worthy of everything I have.

But I want a nice car and a nice condo. I want a cute little fluffy dog and a powerful job in real estate. I want to make friends with influential people.

It won't last! And if I live my life wrong it won't matter!! Who at the end of this world is going to remember me? If they happen to, what will they say about me? Oh she did well for herself. She always seemed to have it together. She always had a cute outfit on and was so funny. I think she was a Christian.

I don't want to hear that! I don't want people to say or think that about me. I want to hear that she lived her life for Christ. She put others first, she gave all she had.

"I don't wanna waste my life." -Lecrae

Passion 2011

If you haven't ever been to Passion, I would so go next year. It's life changing. I'm not sure I can even describe what happened in my heart this weekend. Quite a few amazing speakers were there: Francis Chan, Louie Giglio, and one of my favorites, John Piper. The worship leaders were phenomenal as well: Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, and Christy Nockels. I learned so much I truly don't think I've even processed it all yet. I am praying that God will not let me forget. Our main focus was on Philippians 1 & 2.

One of the things that got me the most was a video that they showed of an unreached African people group. I still want to weep when I think about it. It wasn't the poverty or struggles that got me. It was the fact that these people will never know of God unless someone decides to do something.

They will never have the hope of knowing one day they will be whole and healed. They don't know what their life purpose is. They will never know unconditional love. I can't imagine living life without my Hope, Joy, Peace, Love and so much more.

Then I learned that over two BILLION people in this world are unreached. Can you imagine waking up every morning with no hope? No everlasting peace?

We live in a part of the world where there's a church rich and readily available. Anytime I want I can go to church and learn of the One who created the havens and the earth. WHY are we not sending like we ought to?

So today I am crying for a reason. I'm not crying because I got my feelings hurt or because I feel badly. I am crying because I want the rest of the world to have my hope. I want the American church to wake up and use her resources. I desperately want a change.

For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel, and not in any way terrified by your adversaries, which is to them a proof of perdition, but to you of salvation, and that from God.
Philippians 1:21, 27-28

I hope and pray that I live my life worthy of the gospel of Christ. As Piper said, you only live for like two seconds and then you die. I don't want to waste my life.

Imperfection

Just in case y'all ever start to think that I'm anything near perfect I want to share what's on my mind. Mainly this is just about how far I have to go from the superficial to the deep.

• My eyebrows are fixin' to take over my forehead
• Last night I finished my midnight deadline at 12:05
• Which I then undid... and redid and resubmitted by 8:30 AM because I am a stinking perfectionist!
  
• If you don't like embarrassing then don't hang around me. Seriously.
  
• I forgot to feed my brother and instead let him eat marshmallows and cookies.
• This morning I hid my alarm clock/cell phone while half asleep. I still have no clue where it is.
• I judge others.
• I have no clean clothes for tomorrow. Maybe I'll wear a wetsuit.
  

And mostly I fail miserably at the verse below:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

When Things Don't Go Our Way

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever."
Psalm 23:6

Do you still believe that verse when things don't go your way? Sometimes I have difficulty still believing that when I'm having a rough day or when my dreams are put off yet again. But then I was thinking about what that really means for a believer. God has already given me goodness and mercy in the gift of His Son dying on the cross for me. Will Jesus ever leave me? Heck no! So if He's never leaving me (like He promised in Hebrews 13:5) goodness and mercy really will follow me all the days of my life. Well, what about this verse:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD,
thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

One time, a couple years ago when I was going through the roughest season of life I've ever been through, I wrote in my journal that I thought this verse was a load of crap. (Sorry Mom, but that's what I said!) Now I am a little bit more spiritually mature and I'm sure that's how God used that life event, to give me a hope and a future. I can see that God's thoughts towards me don't change. Whenever something disappointing happens, it's not because His plans for me changed or because God pointlessly wants to make me suffer. You see God uses suffering and disappointment to make us more dependent on Him.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Whenever I am weak and I have no place left to fall, it's all about Jesus Christ. If I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it drives me down to my knees. It's then that I truly seek after God and I am forced to determine what I believe in Christ. It also proves that its not me doing anything. It's all God.

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
--Tenth Avenue North

When I'm disappointed or just plain having a bad day it's so nice to remember that God is never going to let go. Even if in the grand scheme of things my life never (yep I said never) goes my way I can rest in the fact that my God loves me and he will never let me go.

The Scenic Route

I'm not the type to take the scenic route. I want to take the short cut. Getting there fast is my thing. Stopping to smell the roses isn't something I do very often, but the other day my family and I decided to do it. Yes it would cost us a whole thirty minutes. Yes we would arrive later than anticipated. Yes we would be (heaven forbid) off schedule! Do you know where the short cut led us to? A beautiful Mississippi beach. We proceeded to race to the shore and take in the sun. We created memories that day that we won't forget and we got to our destination anyhow. Sometimes taking time to smell the salty air is worth the time.

The Not So Amazing Race

Where I work we don't have an elevator. I also have two classrooms. One is upstairs in the front of the first building and the other is downstairs in the back of the second building. Needless to say: at work I get a lot of exercise. Today I had an opportunity I don't get very often. I could chose in between using the elevator and the stairs. We decided to make it a race in between my brothers and I. One of my brothers and I ran up three flights of stairs to see if we could beat my brother who took the elevator. We did, but even if we hadn't we still got some cardiovascular exercise in. On days when you don't have time to exercise, sometimes its the small decisions that make big differences.

Happy Pills

I am not optimistic. I really secretly desperately want to be. Does that count for something? Today this topic was brought up at work. I had walked into the workroom just after my students struggling with behavior. I was frustrated. I was fuming. I told anyone who would listen what my issue was. A fellow teacher made the comment "We need to get her happy pills." I thought to myself afterward how often to I think positively? Not very often. Most often I am fuming about something. How dare they build that new road and block my normal path? I am writing a letter that is so stupid. And on and on from the time I wake up until I go to bed, I am fuming. Why would they increase the amount of testing days? Do they really know the consequences of that? I could (and do) go on and on. Well starting right now, no more! My parents have given me two different books on positive thinking, I have memorized scripture, and I have read online articles. Today is going to be different. Today I am going to ask God for help. Imagine that! I have access to as the God of the universe for help and I haven't yet. Well right now I am asking Him to help me be a better witness. After all, I should only have a reason to be wonderfully happy. I have Christ in my life after all.

Taking the Time

In the middle of my off period today I went downstairs to get a granola bar from the vending machine. Now at this moment I had a big decision to make and it had nothing to do with food. Right across from the vending machine is the lunch lady's office. She had been absent the day before and I felt compelled to go ask her how she was doing. So what was the big decision you ask? I had been having a very productive morning up to that point and I didn't want to take the twenty minutes I knew it would take. Horrible right? I fought my selfishness and went over there to ask if she had been sick yesterday. I did end up in a long conversation, but it was an oh-so-important kind of conversation. It turns out she had to go have a biopsy on her breast yesterday. She had already had a mammogram, an ultrasound, and an MRI. All of these revealed suspicious spots in her breasts and she won't get the results for two to three days. Now if that isn't stressful enough, her sister currently has brain cancer and is expect to live 2-3 months. Still not enough? Her mother and mother-in-law have both died of cancer. Wow. I asked all of my students to pray for her sister.
I'm so glad I took the time. If I had all of that on my mind, I would desperately want to share the burden with someone. I would also want to know that someone is praying for me as well.

Remembering Why I'm Here

I have a tendency to forget why I'm here. Life is so short I need to remember what my life purpose is. Of course my main life purpose is to glorify God. This is the main one that I forget. I exist to reflect Him, which I so often fall very short of doing. I also believe that in doing things I enjoy I will bring glory to Him. With that being said here is my list of goals. I wrote these up the other day so that I can focus on what I need to do in order to meet my life goals.

· Career -

I want to become a professional house flipper. I want to be able to invest in real estate.

· Financial -

I want to earn enough to become financially secure.

· Education -

I need to acquire knowledge regarding websites, home ownership, and living well.

· Family -

I want to be a loving wife. I don't want to nag, I want to encourage and respect. I want to be a mother. I will be a good parent by putting my children first. I will show them that God is more important than anything else in the word. I want to be seen as generous, loving, kind, and patient, yet brave enough to stand up for myself and those I love.

· Artistic -

I want to improve on my cooking skills.

· Attitude -

I self-defeat and am often afraid of even trying. Sometimes I am not very persistent. I tend to learn towards what is safe. I am often too timid around people I don’t know.

· Physical -

I want to run, successfully and consistently.

· Pleasure -

I want to travel.

· Public Service -

I want to encourage others to take care of their bodies and “live their best life now.” I want to carpe diem and cause others to do the same.

Spiritually- I want to know and follow after God. I want to cause others to pursue a closer relationship with Him.

I have each of these further broken down into with a date to have them met by. This list of goals, along with the questions I answered to get them, came from http://www.mindtools.com/page6.html.