All by Myself

About six months ago I decided to enter the world of online dating. I wasn't having much luck in my good old hometown, considering most people who live here are married. Upon hearing several success stories I signed up for an account.

I always thought online dating would be my last, desperate attempt to get a guy. I also thought that I would instantly meet my soul mate. I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I just flat out wasn't.

The first guy that I communicated with was very handsome and successful. I was flattered and enjoying the conversation. I began picturing in my head what it would be like to date him. (Yes, before I even went on a date. I know.) Then one day, he just stopped communicating. This scenario was repeated about a million times during my online dating career. Fortunately I learned to quit picturing anything.

There were also a lot of... um interesting people. Like the forty year old who was divorced and had custody of his children and then had random miscellaneous kids living with him. Or the occasional I'm stuck in the eighties person.

In total I received around 350 matches in the six months I was on there. Want to guess how many dates I ended up going on? Go ahead guess.

One. I went on one date. I considered it successful because he wasn't a murderer and I didn't embarrass myself. Unfortunately, we just weren't a good match.

I had already decided to not renew before this. It's expensive and wasn't worth it. Plus I've decided, if it's meant to be it will happen.

And besides, the older I'm getting the more I realize that being by yourself isn't as scary as it seems. It can actually be exciting and self-confidence boosting when you do something by yourself. For now I can say this part of my life definitely doesn't suck.

I've experienced things that people who marry young typically don't. I've stayed in a foreign country by myself, taken photography classes, learned how to do my taxes, I'm about to buy a car on my own. I can't describe the feeling of independence I get when I get to do these things on my own and one day I'll have to give up some of this. So for now, I'm a single lady. And I'm going to enjoy it.

Change Is Coming

Wednesday was my last day with my students. One of my classrooms is completely packed up. The other is almost finished. I'm pretty sad to leave. It was a hard decision to not return to teaching.

I'm really going to miss the school, it's really a special place to work at. I'm going to miss my students. It's amazing how you form an affection for students even if they (at times) drive you crazy.They're funny and keep life interesting. They all have special qualities or traits that make them important to me. I still know that I made the right decision, but it still makes me sad.

I'm thinking of moving to a different city, which is also a hard decision. I guess I just don't make any decisions easily. I'm hoping to be around more people in my age range. I also want to be able to expand my market too when I become a Realtor.

I'm trying to trust God because this is a huge step for me. I don't like taking risks and this definitely is one. My grandma sent me a card that has this verse on it:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

And if God has intentions for me like this:

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
John 10:10

Then I have nothing to worry about. God won't allow anything that isn't beneficial in my life.

If I Had Known

I wish I were perfect and could say I never made mistakes. But I do, frequently. I think without speaking or I act without thinking through the consequences. Sin makes life complicated, but Satan often makes God look complex.
You have to give Him your whole life, everyday? That sounds hard. You can't always be perfect. Why do I believe Satan?
Yes living for God is no walk in the park. I have to fight with myself often. I have to decide what I really want and where I want to go.
But God is so good and so worthy. He doesn't leave me with that feeling of regret or disgust. Satan always gives you that after you do whatever he convinced you to do. Jesus offers freedom, Satan just tries to make it look like bondage. I don't want to be a slave to sin.

Joshua 24: 15
And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

Matthew 6:24

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

Both of those passages make it clear that I must choose who I want to serve. Who do I want to serve? The one who steals, kills, and destroys? Or the one who selflessly gave His life for me?

John 10:10

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

I want to serve God. He truly is the only one worthy of all of my days. I know it's not easy, but I want to live my life for God. I want to truly seek God and for Him to be my heart' s one true desire.He's not going to make my life perfect or easy. But I know I will never be alone.

So Many Things

There are so many things I could tell you about right now. Unfortunately, there are so many things still being processed in my heart. That's why I haven't written in awhile.
Lately God has sent a few difficult people my way. I guess He's trying to teach me how to deal with them. I've been both passive aggressive and aggressive, but I'm still plain trying to figure out how God wants me to react. I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve revenge. He's let it be known he takes care of that.
I've also been trying to figure out the whole money thing. I struggle with hoarding money. I may know in my head it's God's money, but I sure don't act like it. I want to build my kingdom. I definitely have a desire to get rich. I read investing books, I want to make it big.
But success doesn't equal being rich, or knowing exactly how to tell of that particularly annoying person. It doesn't involve being married to Ken or having two kids named Jack and Janie and living in a million dollar home. Success doesn't come when I have everyone tell me that I look cute today and that I have the best ideas and I am right all the time.
That's not me. Or at least it shouldn't be me. Well then who the heck am I? I'm not going to be successful when I look like someone else. I need to glorify God how He created me to glorify Him.

What does that mean? I don't know exactly. All I know is that I need to live my life for Him. Not for me, not for my family, and not for my friends.

Forgiveness and Life

Did you know that I am horribly imperfect? I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who were convinced I am perfect, but I assure you I am not. I mess up all of the time. I say things I shouldn't or don't say what I should. I don't work as hard as I ought to. I know I am so imperfect.

So why would a person who messes up frequently have such a horrible time forgiving someone? You see I had an "incident" happen right before we got out for Easter. It involved one of my students. I'm not going to say what happened, but it hurt me. Not physically, but it caused me to distrust.

I became so mad. It's funny, someone had just mentioned that morning that I am the kind of person to want justice done. Of course, this situation was no different. I wanted justice. I wanted the person to be punished. Unfortunately, the situation happened with no witnesses. The person could not be punished as a result.

It's taken me awhile to realize it, but I slowly began to think: what if everyone I wronged had wanted justice done to me? What if my employer never left and margin for error in my work? Or what if my friends never let my mistakes go?

I have had a friend since I was seven who has forgiven me despite my short-comings for the past almost seventeen years. She's great at forgiveness. I can do or say something that I absolutely shouldn't have done. Then she will forgive me right after I ask for forgiveness. From what I can see there is no desire to make me pay.

Of course we can also look at the greatest example of someone paying someone's debts. Jesus, being holy and perfect, not only chose to forgive me but He took on my punishment too!

He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.
Colossians 1:13-15 (NKJV)

Thank You, Jesus. Thank you for being infinitely holy. Thank You for giving me forgiveness I don't deserve. Thank You for paying my debt. May I become more like You.

Perfection

"...perfection is my enemy."
Free to Be Me - Francesca Battistelli

I long to be perfect. I want to be perfect at everything: the perfect teacher, daughter, student, Christian, sister, friend, and so much more. But I fail miserably. I am so imperfect. I yell when I get angry, I don't call my friends, I forget to make enough copies for my students, I could go on but I won't. I get so frustrated when I make mistakes. I beg God to help me to do better next time. Unfortunately I long for perfection for all of the wrong reasons. I want people to like me, to want to be my friend, and to look up to me. I want them to look at me and think "Man she has it together!" rather than "Oh wow she's a messy." I am a mess. I am perfectly imperfect.

Today I was reading out of My Utmost for His Highest and like God loves to do He wrote something in there for me. Under today Oswald Chambers says this:

Think about the last thing you prayed about- were you devoted to your desire or to God? Was your determination to get some gift of the Spirit for yourself or to get to God?

I should desire becoming more like God so that I can become closer to God. In that sort of relationship there is freedom. Earlier Chambers had said:

When you have a right-standing relationship with God, you have a life of freedom, liberty and delight; you are God's will.

I know my relationship with God isn't right when I feel enslaved to the desire to please. I know it is right whenever I am delighting in God. So here's to feeling free. May I fix my eyes on God so I will always remember it isn't about me.

Taking the Time

In the middle of my off period today I went downstairs to get a granola bar from the vending machine. Now at this moment I had a big decision to make and it had nothing to do with food. Right across from the vending machine is the lunch lady's office. She had been absent the day before and I felt compelled to go ask her how she was doing. So what was the big decision you ask? I had been having a very productive morning up to that point and I didn't want to take the twenty minutes I knew it would take. Horrible right? I fought my selfishness and went over there to ask if she had been sick yesterday. I did end up in a long conversation, but it was an oh-so-important kind of conversation. It turns out she had to go have a biopsy on her breast yesterday. She had already had a mammogram, an ultrasound, and an MRI. All of these revealed suspicious spots in her breasts and she won't get the results for two to three days. Now if that isn't stressful enough, her sister currently has brain cancer and is expect to live 2-3 months. Still not enough? Her mother and mother-in-law have both died of cancer. Wow. I asked all of my students to pray for her sister.
I'm so glad I took the time. If I had all of that on my mind, I would desperately want to share the burden with someone. I would also want to know that someone is praying for me as well.